29 THINGS EVERY WOMAN IS TOO OLD FOR AS OF HER 29TH B’DAY

Hey, you’re now too old to/for…

Wear headbands, head-to-toe pink, and cheerleader skirts
Celebrate your birthday on more than one day
Reminisce about college
Reminisce about the college you never attended (Oh, Stanford … )
Send cryptic messages to people via Facebook and Twitter
Think of your high school boyfriend as the one who got away
Refer to any boyfriend from that long ago by the era he’s associated with—no one cares that you dated Josh the summer after your freshman year at community college
Wear holiday-themed outfits, like pastels and bows on Easter and red and green plaid on Christmas (unless you are Catherine and wear red and green plaid year-round)
Quote self-help books and/or “Sex and the City” episodes—unless it’s in a mocking fashion
Decorate your apartment from Pottery Barn Teen and/or Urban Outfitters
Put up posters with tape or thumbtacks instead of frames
Attend concerts featuring anyone who wasn’t born by the year you started college (i.e., Justin Bieber) unless you are escorting a much younger family member
Olsen Twin movie marathons (I know, I know, “Passport to Paris” is a classic, but get over it)
Calling men “boys” on a regular basis
Say or write “LOL”
Tote your dog around everywhere, unless you are blind and he/she is a seeing-eye dog.
Want to be treated like a princess, to live life like it’s a fairytale, and to be looking for your Prince Charming
Own teddy bears and other stuffed animals, unless you have one (singular!) that is left over from your childhood that holds a lot of sentimental value
Call your father “daddy”
Subscribe to teen magazines, unless you work as a writer specializing in teen issues
Spend more than one hour on the phone with a friend, unless she truly is in a crisis or you haven’t talked to her in over a year and need to catch up
Have your parents pay your bills, unless it’s your student loans and they insist OR you’re going through a short, temporary rough financial patch
Consider a haircut a huge massive change of epic proportions, unless it’s a post-breakup haircut and you write one measly essay about the subject
Consider your hair color to be a significant part of your identity, unless you’re a redhead
Talk about how OMG wasted you got last night, like having a hangover makes you cool
Lay out in the sun without sunscreen
Sit on anyone’s lap, unless you’re trying to fit five people in a taxi that sits four
Wear glasses for “fashion” when you don’t have a prescription or vision issues
Feel any shame or embarrassment about…ummm… having “fun with yourself”… if you know what I mean!