Tired of being the psycho girlfriend, or fighting with your boyfriend’s mother? Are you over going out on dates with guys who want to split the check? Noticing a pattern in your love life (or lack thereof)? Well at what point are you going to take some personal responsibility? It’s time to stop dating losers! Here are 10 guys you should absolutely avoid (we don’t care how good looking they are).
1. The Stage Five-er
Feel like you’re being followed? Double check to make sure he’s not reading this over your shoulder. Okay. Phew. Now, there’s a reason we want what we can’t have. There’s nothing sexy about a guy who acts like a little girl. Didn’t he have friends before he met you? No matter how in love you are, you still need your night to watch “The Bachelor,” and no, he can’t come to your cousin’s baby shower. At the end of the day, the clingers never stick. He may have the best of intentions, but he may also need to get a life.
2. The Mysterious, Damaged Guy
This is the guy who will sit at the end of the bar and shoot you a subtle smile and then just as you go over to talk to him, he’ll get up and leave. He’s basically begging you to save him as if you’re his last hope… but not even Dr. Meredith Grey can save this guy. You’ll end up diagnosing yourself with a headache (and then a broken heart) if you decide to take this patient on.
3. The Not-So-Mysterious (but Damaged) Comedian
Unlike Mr. Mysterious, this guy’s the life of the party — the one who always has a quick line. Now, this will be really attractive until you discover that every joke is a diversion from his innumerable and irrevocable, gaping wounds of baggage. This guy is almost worse than the plain old damaged guy, because at least the obviously-damaged guy is straight-up owning it. The D.C. is wasting your time making you THINK he’s awesome and normal and then when you find out he’s irreversibly screwed up, he’s only about five stand-up routines away from beginning to talk about it.
4. The Gordon Gecko Wannabe
Watch out for the blue button-down shirts with the white collars and cuffs. Raise caution level if his cuff-links match anything else in his outfit, or are shaped like polo players. This guy LOVES talking about how much money he made today and how late he stayed out with clients last night. He uses words like “bro” and “doll” and throws a hissy when valet is full. It might be fun to date this guy at first, but the show might get old after a while.
5. The Serial Monogamist
“What’s that? You’ve had 12 serious relationships? 12? And the last lady to round out the dozen left you just a couple of months ago?” Huge red flag, ladies. This guy loves being in love. You could probably show up with three missing teeth and a beard and he’d find you “endearing” in some way. Before getting serious with this dude, dare him to spend a Valentine’s Day alone. If he survives, you might have a shot.
6. The Angry Drunk
Everyone loves this couple. You know the one. You’re at the bar and you look over at some loud, obnoxious drunk guy getting in someone’s face about whose lacrosse team was better 10+ years ago, Duke or North Carolina. (Side note: Who cares?) And his poor girlfriend is tugging at his arm/nervously laughing, trying to play it off like he’s such a jokester, but really knowing what everyone else is thinking: this jerk is going to get kicked out, but not before at least a few of us end up with his PBR all over our shirts. Bottom line: Don’t be that girl. I don’t care how sweet he is when he’s sober.
7. The Lazy Bones
It’s a shame X-Box won’t just hire someone to play “Madden NFL” for seven straight hours a day. You’d be dating a millionaire! No seriously, waiting tables is cool and all, but unless UNO’s provides him with a 401K, he’s digging himself a deep dish he won’t be able to climb out of. Now now, don’t throw the “shallow card” at me just yet-this isn’t about making money, it’s about having goals. And unless his is a lifetime of free salad and bread sticks, it’s time for him to get a real job.
8. The Mama’s Boy
Mom always said, “remember, you’re not just marrying the guy, you’re marrying his family.” This is not a joke. Moms can be really mean, and if your guy’s mom has brainwashed him to the point where he can’t pick out a pair of jeans without her opinion, you’re in trouble. Look out for weekly dinners at his house, a guy who doesn’t know how to use a coin-operated laundry machine and lives in an apartment that looks like the Catholic Church did the decorating. If your new man fits any of these characteristics, wave the white flag now. This is a battle you’ll never win.
9. The Pretty Boy
This guy has more product than a Paul Mitchell warehouse and he’d never be caught dead without a neck scarf. I mean, couples eyebrow waxing appointments are romantic, but you might be one cleansing facial away from second guessing his masculinity. I understand wanting to look better than all the other girls at the bar, but having to compete with your boyfriend? Wayyy too stressful. Plus, men generally age better than women do, so you’re screwed from the start. General rule-if his “getting ready” routine is longer than yours, leave him at home.
10. The Debbie Downer
No one wants to date a Debbie. This is the guy who could be swimming in a vat of chocolate ice cream as $100 bills shower down upon him, and he’d be complaining that the ice cream isn’t vanilla. And yes, he WOULD like vanilla. If it’s a drag for him to go out with you and your friends from time to time, or go to your family’s barbecue, or watch DWTS instead of “Monday Night Football” (okay that might be pushing it), then chances are it will only get worse as your relationship gets more serious. Ditch the Debbie and find someone fun!