Men! How To “Fake” That You’re A Good Catch

A men’s magazine offers the following qualities men must have in order to be the ideal man a woman is looking for, and how to fake it:

How to fake it: Wear Gap clothes, but really expensive shoes. Drive the cheapest Lexus instead of the fanciest Toyota. Learn which wines don’t cost very much, but still have ritzy French names. Whatever you do for a living, say you’re getting more business than you can handle from your sideline as a consultant.

Sense of humor
How to fake it. Take her to funny movies; she’ll remember that you made her laugh. Double date with guys who have even less of a sense of humor than you do. Tell her you really like her sense of humor.

Size (where it counts)
How to fake it. Lose weight; less fat in your belly will make you look bigger. Wear tight jeans. Put a sock in it (but not if you expect to be getting lucky that night).

How to fake it: Study reviews of books and foreign films so you can pretend to have read or seen them. Wear glasses. Whenever she says something you don’t understand, smile and say, “Man, you are so intense.”

How to fake it: Do back and ab exercises that will make you stand up straighter. If you don’t like looking women in the eyes, look at the spot between their eyes – they’ll never know. Breathe deeply. No matter how difficult it is, never admit that you can’t do something – just find a better reason not to do it.

Sexual experience
How to fake it: Read books by sex therapists. Watch how-to sex videos (but not porn). Take Latin-dancing lessons. Spend twice as much time on foreplay as you think you should. Touch her in sensitive body parts others probably haven’t.

How to fake it: Don’t let “visitors” leave things in your apartment. Keep your phone-answering machine in a closet. Shower at the gym. Don’t date new women in the same neighborhood of the same profession. Say, “I’ve always been a one-woman man.” Deny everything.

Kid friendliness
How to fake it: Say that you’ve always liked the idea of having a big family someday. Buy cool video games for your nieces and nephews. When she stops to coo at a baby, don’t roll your eyes or run away. Looks How to fake it: Use a personal trainer and a personal tailor to make up for any inadequacies. Hire good-looking child actors to play your kids from your first marriage.