6 Things We Think Are Sexy That Aren’t

According to Glamour, here are six things we think are sexy that aren’t:

Fishnet Stockings
You might be thinking, “Now, wait a second, Jake, this sounds like nothing more than one man’s personal preference.” To that I offer you exhibit A, my friend James*: “When a woman wears fishnets, it’s like she’s banging you over the head with ‘notice my legs,'” he says. “Believe me, a short skirt works just fine.” Unless you are both French and a maid, no holey tights, please.

A Pucker Like Gwen Stefani’s
Technically, superbright red lipstick is sexy, but it also seems to say, “Look but don’t touch, or you’ll mess up my paparazzi-ready makeup.” While we’re on the subject, when a woman compulsively reapplies lipstick or gloss of any shade after every bite and sentence, we’re torn. Your lips look delicious, but kissing you means ingesting a product. And that’s not what we had in mind for dessert.

Ear Blowing
There’s nothing sexier than an accidental female breath in your ear, but when one ex intentionally puffed into my left canal, I felt trapped in a Juicy Fruit-scented wind tunnel. (Also, it kind of hurt.) And throwing in a growl or moan? Doesn’t help.

Not Wearing Any Underwear
With this one, circumstances count. It’s sexy when it’s just for us, and a thumbs-down when we find out you’ve spent the day that way. See, when you go commando, we think you’re ready for action in two snaps. That’s hot. But if you’ve been alfresco at work for hours, it means other dudes were mere snaps away. That’s disturbing.

Face Spangles
I was at dinner with my last girlfriend, Claudia, admiring the candlelight reflecting off her olive skin, the warmth of her smile and… hold on, was that glitter on her eyes? In glitter’s defense, it’s not not sexy; maybe it’s even in style right now. But it marks the point where makeup veers into arts ‘n’ crafts. No man dates a woman because she’s an expert with cosmetics. He dates you for what’s underneath all that.