Just because the night of fright is full of unspeakable terrors, it doesn’t mean that your Halloween costume has to be one of them. Luckily for you, AskMen.com has a little do-not-do guide, or costumes guys should never dare to wear:
How many times have you been at a party where you’ve seen a handful of single guys wearing their soiled bedsheets? This pathetically unimaginative Halloween costume lets women know three things about you: you’re uncreative; you leave things to the last minute; and if she returns home with you, she’ll be sleeping on a sheet with a pair of cut-out eye holes. Ghost costumes, like ghosts themselves, should simply disappear, as it’s definitely a Halloween costume guys should never wear.
The opposite sex
Sure, it might seem like a good idea to throw on a wig and slap on an oversized pair of falsies for your big, creative Halloween costume. But before you know it, you’ll be slipping out of work early to go shopping for shoes and accessories. Just as marijuana is a gateway to harder drugs, dressing up like a woman for Halloween is a gateway to becoming a full-time cross-dresser. Besides, no self-respecting woman would ever make out with someone who looks (and possibly smells) like her great aunt Edith. Halloween is the perfect excuse to play up your sex appeal, so stick with flattering Halloween costumes that present you in the best light possible.
In addition to being uncomfortable and sadly outdated, the scarecrow is also a grade-A fire hazard that has the potential to go up in flames faster than a rear-ended Pinto. If you only had a brain you’d know that this inherently flawed getup is a Halloween costume guys should never wear. Dorothy said goodbye to the scarecrow, and so should you.
Anything with leotards
Unless you’re an Olympic gymnast or a professional wrestler, you have no excuse whatsoever for leaving the house in a pair of leotards. That means giving the court jester the gong and leaving Robin Hood in Sherwood Forest right where he belongs. Some other leotard-laden Halloween costumes guys should never wear include Superman, Henry VIII and anything else that looks like it could be used during a male figure skating competition. Unless you want to be perceived in the same pink light as Robin of Batman, you’ll avoid leotards at Halloween
Although the thought of dressing up like the Easter Bunny or Frosty the Snowman at Halloween may at first seem amusing, keep in mind that these poorly constructed mascot costumes are generally cumbersome and difficult to communicate through. They’re also inadequately ventilated, which means that you’re going to be hotter than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut within minutes of fastening your head into place. If you thought your cologne could be off-putting, just wait until women catch a whiff of the three gallons of sweat that has collected in your crappy Halloween costume.
Captain Jack Sparrow
There’s nothing worse than arriving at the tail end of a popular trend, which is precisely what will happen if you dress up in this jaunty pirate’s outfit, and it’s precisely why it makes our list of Halloween costumes guys should never wear. Although Captain Jack was something of a novelty when Pirates of the Caribbean first hit theaters in 2003, it’s now more played out than a Village People record at a gay disco. If you’re looking to emulate a more contemporary cinematic icon this Halloween, we recommend one of the Spartan warriors from 300, McLovin from Superbad or the unforgettable breached baby head from Knocked Up. Come on, everyone loves babies!
If you thought it was difficult to attract women when you were dressed in a floral blouse, try doing it with a swastika temporarily tattooed on your forehead. You’ll quickly discover that most Halloween partygoers aren’t interested in mingling with someone whose idea of a good time involves mass murder and consensual homicide. Manson is an especially creepy Halloween costume choice because he’s still alive and kicking at California’s Corcoran State Prison, where he is known as inmate #B33920. If you still insist on dressing like a serial killer, stick with fictional characters like Norman Bates, Freddy Krueger or Michael Myers instead. After all, everyone likes to be scared, but not by someone who is eligible for parole in 2012, which makes this one a Halloween costume guys should never wear.